Touch
by sheepish123
Summary: Olivia agrees to join her colleagues for a night out at the drive-in movies because she is worried about Amanda. At a place where minimal verbal communication is allowed and they have to interact mostly by touch or through text, Olivia tries to figure out what is wrong with her friend and hopes to provide her with some comfort. Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**I dislike the way the relationship between Olivia and Amanda is portrayed on the show, so I wanted to create a much friendlier, closer, more affectionate dynamic between them in this story. Takes place in the upcoming season 18, although Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist.** _ **  
**_

xxx

 _"I'll stand by you_

 _Take me in, into your darkest hour_

 _And I'll never desert you_

 _I'll stand by you"_

xxx

It is late Friday night after a long week of work and instead of being at home alone in her silent, peaceful apartment, Olivia Benson is perched precariously on a rickety lawn chair at the local drive-in movie theater, surrounded by her colleagues. Fin's car is parked right behind them, the sound blaring out of the speakers, the screen in front of them blazing brightly in the nighttime darkness. The sky above them had been clear when they had arrived a couple of hours ago for the first movie, the stars twinkling and the moon shining, but the clouds have slowly gathered throughout the course of the evening and now it appears that rain is threatening.

This is not Olivia's usual choice for a fun activity outside of work; she had enjoyed the first movie well enough, but is not looking forward to the second one, some goofy action/comedy film that she has never even heard of but that Fin and Carisi seem to be particularly psyched about. Amanda, who is sitting next to her in an equally rickety chair, seems not to care either way about the movie that is just ending now and the one that will start after intermission. It seems like she is only there with them because she has nothing better to do with her time, and Olivia glances at her out of the corner of her eye, observing the smaller woman's slumped form, her chin in her hand, her eyes half open like she is bored or might drift off to sleep at any moment.

Amanda herself is the only reason Olivia had agreed to come tonight, when she had received the invitation from Carisi to join her colleagues at the drive-in, something fun to end the work week with, something to take their minds off of the horror and depravity they deal with on a daily basis. Her first inclination was to decline, wanting nothing more than a quiet evening alone, but when she had overheard Amanda agreeing to join Carisi and Fin, Olivia had suddenly been more gung-ho about going.

The blonde detective has been concerning her lately, Amanda's behaviour a little off from time to time, nothing too out of the ordinary, but enough for Olivia to take notice of. Amanda has become increasingly more withdrawn over the past few weeks, speaking and smiling less, her clothes hanging more loosely than they once had as if she is losing weight, purple smudges of exhaustion standing out underneath her bright blue eyes. The change has been so gradual that Olivia has a feeling she may have been the only one to notice and has sometimes chastised herself for imaging things; that Amanda is actually fine and there is nothing wrong, but she can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right with her detective.

The credits of the first movie are now scrolling on the giant screen and Fin and Carisi get out of their chairs, taking this opportunity for another food run, even though they still have leftovers from the meals they had purchased when they had first arrived. They ask Olivia and Amanda if they want anything, both women declining, and Olivia watches the flurry of activity from the vehicles around them, as everyone races for the snack bar and the washrooms before the next movie begins.

She glances over at Amanda once again, the smaller woman in the exact same position, looking uncomfortable in her chair and letting out a soft sigh.

"You okay?" Olivia asks quietly, and Amanda turns to look at her, eyebrows raised slightly, seemingly surprised that Olivia is still seated next to her and hadn't joined their colleagues in the long line at the concession stand.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbles, her tone somewhat puzzled. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering," Olivia replies lightly, not wanting to start a deep conversation when they are only a few minutes away from the beginning of the next movie, and she knows they will be rejoined by their co-workers soon. "I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me about anything you want, alright?"

Amanda is frowning at her now, the younger woman crossing her arms in front of her. "What are you talking about, Olivia? Talk to you about what?"

"Anything," Olivia murmurs, reaching out to lay a gentle hand on the detective's sweatshirt-clad arm.

Amanda's frown becomes deeper and she pulls her arm away, tucking it against her chest, drawing her legs up onto the chair and huddling into herself like she is cold or trying to hide. "There's nothing to talk about," she says firmly.

"I know something is wrong, Amanda," Olivia says softly. "I've noticed that you haven't been yourself lately."

Amanda is silent for a moment, regarding her intently in the darkness, before looking away. "Well, maybe you should take notice of someone else instead," she finally mumbles. "I'm fine, Liv."

Before Olivia can respond, a large drop of rain splashes down onto her head, followed by another and another, until it is raining quite steadily and she and Amanda quickly fold up their chairs, along with Fin and Carisi's, tucking them into the trunk of the car, and ducking into the backseat. Olivia finds herself both relieved and disappointed, as she figures they will be leaving now due to the weather and she won't have to be subjected to the next film, but wanting to spend more time with Amanda, hoping the other woman will open up to her at some point.

Fin and Carisi return to the vehicle, sliding into the front seat, arms overflowing with hotdogs and hamburgers and popcorn, trying to balance huge cups of soda, as if they hadn't just scarfed down much of the same food only a couple of hours before, both seemingly unconcerned by the fact that the rain is getting harder by the minute.

"Uh, shouldn't we be leaving?" Olivia pipes up, taking notice of the fact that the guys seem to be settling comfortably into their seats, chowing down on their food, eyes fixed on the screen as the next movie begins, the theme music already loud and irritating.

Carisi glances back at her, a slight frown on his face, a smear of mustard across one cheek. "Why would we leave?"

Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes. "Because it's raining? And it's getting colder by the minute. We can barely see the screen now."

"No problem there," Fin replies, turning on the car. "We can just run the heat and the windshield wipers whenever we need to."

"That's stupid, Fin. You're running your car battery down and you're annoying everyone else with the lights. It's rude," Amanda points out, but her tone is resigned, like she already knows they are going to be stuck here for the next couple of hours and there's not much she can do about it.

"It's fine," Fin says, with an unconcerned wave of his hand. "I'll just keep turning it on and off as needed, so we don't get too cold and the screen is still watchable. Everyone else is going to be doing the same thing, so no worries. Shut up now, okay? I'm trying to listen."

Olivia hears Amanda give a disgruntled huff, the smaller woman curling into herself on the seat beside her, looking vulnerable and miserable in her sweatshirt and jeans, and she thinks she sees a shiver run through the small blonde. She spots an old brightly patterned quilt on the floor by her feet and lifts it up, spreading it across the both of them, Amanda's lip quirking up at the side in what might pass for a brief smile of thanks.

Olivia is starting to feel rather cold herself as the time passes, wishing they had just gone home after the first movie. Fin has turned the car back off and it is quite chilly inside now, the darkness wrapping around them, everyone silent, the only sound the silly characters on the screen in front of them. She finds herself unconsciously moving closer to Amanda in the backseat, seeking some warmth and feeling the need to be near the other woman, something about her colleague's behaviour just not sitting right with her. She looks over at her, trying to catch Amanda's eye, but the detective is staring straight ahead, not noticing Olivia's attempts to get her attention.

Olivia moves her arm a bit closer on the seat, so their hands are nearer to one another, but Amanda still doesn't move or give any indication that she even cares if Olivia is sitting there or not, and she notices another slight shiver run through the blonde detective, the small woman pulling the blanket up higher against her chest. Olivia feels determined to get her attention in some way, wanting to connect with the younger woman even though it is not really the time or place, a concerning amount of unhappiness and dejection seeming to radiate from her colleague.

There seem to be some issues with the volume, the sound raising and lowering on its own, and the movie is blaring inside the car now, Olivia wincing inwardly before it ratchets down a notch. Fin and Carisi seem completely engaged with the nonsense on screen and are totally oblivious to what's going on in the backseat, laughing loudly at the antics of the characters as they munch on their popcorn and sip their giant drinks.

Olivia shifts slightly closer to Amanda underneath the blanket, their hands beside each other on the seat now, her pinky finger brushing up against the other woman's. She sees Amanda give her a quick glance before looking away, her attention seemingly focused on the screen, but Olivia can tell she is not paying attention and her mind is elsewhere.

"What's wrong?" she whispers.

Amanda is silent, still looking straight ahead, and Olivia is pretty sure that the smaller woman isn't ignoring her; she just can't hear her over the cacophonous sound of the film, so she gently nudges the detective's finger with her own.

Amanda looks over at her again, one eyebrow slightly arched in silent question, and Olivia repeats herself, this time mouthing it instead of actually speaking the words, since she doesn't think she will be heard.

Amanda frowns and puts her hand up to her ear, indicating that she can't hear her and apparently can't read lips either, and Olivia sighs, before pulling her cell phone out of her pocket and sending the other woman a quick text. Amanda's phone is in her lap and it lights up immediately, even though the sound is drowned out by the noise of the movie, and Olivia thinks she sees a brief flicker of amusement on the blonde detective's face, the ridiculousness of texting each other while sitting side by side, before she picks it up to read the message.

Olivia has asked what is wrong for the third time, this time in print, and she watches the smaller woman frown again as she reads the mesage. Amanda hesitates for a moment before her thumbs move against the screen and then Olivia sees her typing.

" _Nothing,"_ is the short reply.

Now Olivia is the one who is frowning, although she has to admit that she hadn't expected the younger woman to actually be truthful with her, and she types a quick response.

" _I don't believe you."_

She looks at the other woman again and sees the slight roll of her eyes, Amanda avoiding her gaze as she texts back.

" _I'm fine."_

Olivia becomes aware that Amanda is shifting farther away from her on the seat, her shoulders hunching up underneath her sweatshirt, and she knows she should drop it, that she should just leave the other woman alone, but there is something so forlorn and sad in her expression, that she can't stop herself from texting yet again.

" _Please talk to me."_

This time Amanda's response is very fast, her thumbs flying over the screen.

" _How can I talk to you when we can't even hear each other? I said I'm fine, Liv. Please just drop it."_

Olivia can see that the younger woman is practically pressed up against the inside of the car door now, like she is trying to escape the situation, and thinks she can detect a slight trembling in her small frame, and she bites her lip in hesitation before responding.

" _We can talk outside the car. Or you can just type it out."_

Amanda is turned away from her now, her face practically against the window as she types.

" _It's pouring rain out there. I'm not getting out of the car. Please just leave me alone."_

Amanda is still facing away from her, the shaking of her body more noticeable now, and Olivia glances toward the front, making sure Fin and Carisi are still focused on the screen in front of them, before sliding over slowly on the seat, her hand gently brushing up against the side of the smaller woman's thigh underneath the blanket. She both sees and feels the sharp flinch, Amanda seemingly surprised by this touch, but Olivia holds her hand there for a moment, feeling the trembling of the small detective's body through the material of her jeans.

She is very concerned now, not understanding what is going on and wrestling internally with whether or not to leave the other woman alone, but ultimately deciding not to back off, and continues to sit close to her. She wishes they were alone in the car so she could turn the volume down on this ridiculous movie that she can't believe she has wasted her money on; actually wants to turn it off entirely so she and Amanda can have a conversation. She doesn't want to alert Fin and Carisi to the fact that something is wrong with their colleague, though, as Amanda's behaviour is so standoffish and reluctant, and she doesn't think the smaller woman would appreciate all of the attention focused on her.

She decides to send another text, still keeping herself in very close proximity to her co-worker.

" _I'm here for you."_

She watches as Amanda stifles a sigh before looking down at her phone again and is surprised to see her expression crumple slightly as she reads the message, the other woman biting down so hard on her lower lip, Olivia wonders if she has drawn blood.

The return message is simple:

" _Thanks."_

Amanda's teeth are still digging into her lip and Olivia realizes why when she sees a single tear slip from her eye, rolling slowly down her cheek to drip onto the sweatshirt she is huddled into. The smaller woman appears to be desperately trying to reign in her emotions, and it is obvious Amanda is aware of the fact that Olivia has seen the tear, because she only turns her face farther away from her.

"What's so interesting out there?" Fin suddenly asks, and Olivia jumps slightly, startled, moving surreptitiously away from the smaller woman on the seat as she realizes Fin is staring at the younger woman in the rear view mirror.

"What?" Amanda asks, and her voice is slightly strangled, a bit choked up.

"Out the window," Fin responds, turning around partway in his seat to regard his partner. "The movie is this way, Amanda. You're looking out the wrong window."

Olivia is still glancing at her out of the corner of her eye and sees Amanda's small smirk. "Thanks for stating the obvious, Fin," she replies, quickly swiping a hand over her cheek. "This movie is so terrible, I thought I would look away for a little while."

"What are you talking about?" Carisi speaks up, his tone incredulous. "This movie is great!"

"Says you, Carisi," Amanda replies dryly. "It figures you would like this crap."

"Are you saying you're too classy for a movie of this caliber?" Fin teases.

"Yup, that's exactly what I'm saying," Amanda sighs, and before either of the men can respond, there is a giant explosion on the screen and their attention is diverted once again.

Olivia takes this opportunity to look over at her colleague, and is surprised to see Amanda looking back at her this time, that slightly crumpled expression on her face again, another tear clinging to her long lashes. She resists the sudden urge she has to reach out and wipe it away, her heart clenching at the other woman's demeanor, again wondering what is wrong and wishing she and Amanda were by themselves in the vehicle.

She knows there is still at least another hour left of this awful film, so they will be stuck here for awhile longer, trapped inside the small car with Fin and Carisi, who are laughing uproariously once again, as the rain beats down harder against the windows, the windshield wipers moving more quickly now. Olivia doesn't see a point in even staying, as the screen is getting harder and harder to see as the weather outside continues to worsen, but she knows the guys will want to see it through to the end. The car has been turned on and off multiples times now, as Fin is trying to conserve the battery but also wanting to be able to see the screen when the rains gets too hard.

Olivia slowly slides her hand across the seat underneath the blanket, her pinky finger brushing up against Amanda's once more, and the smaller woman doesn't move away this time; just sits there with her head down, staring at her lap, long hair obscuring her face in a blonde curtain. She wants to move the hair aside so she can see her colleague's expression again, wants to know if Amanda is crying, but instead she just moves her finger back and forth against the other woman's, letting her know that she is there and trying to offer what little comfort she can in the situation they are in.

She is quite surprised when Amanda begins to shift closer to her, the smaller woman wrapping her pinky finger around Olivia's, but still keeping her head down and not making eye contact. Olivia squeezes her finger briefly and feels Amanda squeeze back, and she carefully moves closer to the younger woman once again, making sure her movements don't alert either Fin or Carisi in the front seat. She wants to try to ease the detective's pain, even if she has no idea what that pain is, and the only way to do it at this moment is through carefully concealed physical touch, since Amanda won't get out of the vehicle and won't explain to her over text what is going on.

They sit there for several minutes, side by side, their bodies not quite touching but their smallest fingers still clenched tightly together, and finally Olivia untangles her finger from Amanda's and slides her hand on top of the younger woman's, her skin cold and clammy against her touch. She is still very concerned about the detective's state of mind, but is glad that Amanda is at least responding to her now, and she rubs her hand gently back and forth along the back of the other woman's hand, trying to bring some warmth into her skin. She feels Amanda turn her hand over so her palm is facing upwards, and Olivia slides her own palm on top of the the other woman's, linking their fingers together and giving her another squeeze, Amanda squeezing back right away again.

They sit that way for quite some time, holding hands under the blanket, Olivia's thumb stroking soothingly across the other woman's skin, until Fin suddenly announces that he is starving yet again and is going to brave the driving rain to dash to the snack counter for more food, and Carisi readily agrees with him, saying he is hungry as well and will join him. The vehicle is turned off, the windshield wipers going still against the front glass, and the men swing their car doors open quickly, slamming them shut again as they take off for the concession stand.

Olivia immediately feels Amanda's hand stiffen in her own, now that they are alone, and the other woman begins pulling away from her, but Olivia holds fast to her hand, giving it a gentle tug so the detective looks over at her.

"What's wrong, Amanda?" she asks softly, seeing the tears glittering in the smaller woman's eyes in the darkness of the vehicle. "Please talk to me."

The younger woman shakes her head and takes a shuddering breath before speaking, her voice coming out haltingly. "I can't. They'll be back soon."

"I'm worried about you," Olivia replies gently, reaching over to smooth the detective's hair away from her face. "You've haven't been yourself lately. Please tell me what's wrong."

Amanda pulls away from her again, covering her face with her hands and turning toward the window, and Olivia can hear a stifled sob. She frowns deeply, her heart aching for her colleague and desperately wanting to know what the problem is, and she lays a hand against Amanda's shuddering back, feeling the smaller woman's heart pounding frantically under her touch.

"Honey." The pet name slips out before she can stop it, and she hears Amanda's breath hitch in her throat, another stifled cry. "If you won't talk to me now, how about you come back to my place after the movie?"

The damn seems to break and Amanda begins to cry openly now, no longer able to hold back her tears, and Olivia glances out the window, relieved to see that there is no sign of Fin or Carisi yet. She moves over on the seat again, grasping the younger woman by the shoulders and gently turning her around, pulling her into her embrace, Amanda collapsing against her and sobbing hard. Olivia enfolds her tightly in her arms, the other woman feeling small and fragile against her, and she rocks her slightly from side to side, murmuring softly into her ear, telling Amanda that everything is okay and she is not alone. The blonde detective is gripping the back of her shirt hard now, crying furiously into her neck, and Olivia is somewhat alarmed by the intensity of her colleague's emotions, and suggests that they ditch the rest of the movie entirely and take a cab back to her apartment so they can talk.

She feels Amanda shake her head against her shoulder, the other woman mumbling that she doesn't want Fin and Carisi to know that something is wrong and that she can hold on until the movie is over. Olivia sighs in frustration, continuing to hold her colleague in a tight embrace, just wanting to get out of this vehicle and away from this ridiculous movie, the rain coming down so hard now that the screen has been completely obscured, and she is thinks how pointless it is to stick it out until the end when the weather is so terrible.

They sit there in silence for a moment, Amanda clinging to her, her face buried into the curve where her shoulder and neck meet, and Olivia can feel the other woman's warm tears on her skin, slipping underneath the collar of the long sleeved T-shirt she is wearing. She listens to the rain drumming steadily against the roof of the car as she runs her fingers through Amanda's silky blonde hair, gently scratching her nails against her scalp, wanting to bring her comfort any way that she can, even though she has no idea what it is going on.

She is surprised at the strength with which the other woman is clinging to her; Amanda not usually the touchy-feely type, very rarely allowing herself to be held or consoled when she is upset about something, but her colleague seems so hungry for comfort, and Olivia wants to give it to her, wants to do everything she can to soothe the small woman in her arms.

"Amanda, I think we should leave" Olivia murmurs into her ear. "You're obviously going through something here. We can just tell the guys you're sick."

She feels Amanda's head shake against her neck. "I don't want to try to get home in this awful weather when we can just stay warm and dry in the car."

"I wish you would talk to me," Olivia says softly. "I want know what's wrong. What are you so upset? What happened?"

She is still stroking her hand through the blonde woman's hair and can feel Amanda's tears continuously hitting her skin. She feels the other woman shake her head again.

"Nothing happened, Liv."

Olivia frowns in confusion, and before she can respond, the doors in the front seat are being jerked open and Fin and Carisi are hurling themselves back into the car, arms laden down with junk food, droplets of water spraying everywhere. She feels Amanda jerk in her arms, obviously startled, and then pull out of her embrace quickly, turning her face toward the window again and dragging the sleeve of her sweatshirt across her eyes.

She lays a hand briefly against the younger woman's back, wanting to maintain some physical contact with her, before Fin turns around to look at them with a grin, not appearing to be the least bit perturbed with the inclement weather. "Man, it's awful out there!"

"Which is why we should leave," Olivia says with a sigh, noticing that Amanda has straightened back up, making an effort to look like everything is fine. "I think we're the only ones left in this parking lot. Everyone else was smart and went home."

"No, we can't leave before the end," Carisi argues. "This movie is epic!"

"An epic fail," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia can still hear the hitch in her tone, but is relieved that the guys don't seem to notice, having turned their attention back to the screen.

"Fin, your car battery is going to die," she admonishes, as the older man turns the key in the ignition and the windshield wipers swipe quickly back and forth against the glass once more. "You're not even allowed to have your car on during the movie."

"Well, what's the difference?" Fin replies in a distracted tone, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen long enough to glance back at her. "If no one else is here anyway, who cares?"

Olivia rolls her eyes but has to agree that he has a point, and it's not her car battery that is slowly having the life drained out of it, so she leans back against the seat, her gaze again seeking out the blonde detective huddled up under the blanket beside her. Amanda's eyes are closed now and her head is tilted down, lower lip trembling like she is trying to hold in another onslaught of tears, and Olivia shifts closer to her yet again, unable to keep much distance between them when the smaller woman is acting this way.

She is bolder in her movements now, knowing neither Fin or Carisi are paying the least bit of attention to them, and she positions her body so she is sitting right next to Amanda, their hips and legs pressed together beneath the scratchy blanket, her hand seeking out the other woman's arm, fingers gripping onto the material of her sweatshirt. She feels Amanda lean slightly into her and resists the urge to wrap a comforting arm around her, instead moving her fingers underneath the sleeve of the detective's shirt, her own skin warm against Amanda's icy cold forearm. She can feel the blonde detective's labouring breaths against her, as if Amanda is either having a panic attack or still trying desperately not to burst into tears, and can feel her pulse fluttering rapidly against her fingertips.

Olivia wants nothing more than to bring the other woman some calm and comfort and she traces her nails along her skin in soothing patterns, feeling Amanda pressing herself closer against her, the shuddering of the other woman's body becoming more apparent again. She can't contain her worry anymore and pulls away slightly to grab her phone again, sending her colleague another text, knowing Amanda won't hear her voice over the blaring of the movie.

" _Will you come back to my place after the movie so we can talk?"_

Amanda doesn't respond for a moment, curling away from her now that Olivia has pulled away, her head turned toward the window again, the rain rolling down the glass like the tears that had been rolling down the smaller woman's face just moments ago. Her thumbs hover over her phone screen for several seconds before responding.

" _I'm really tired, Liv. I think I should just go home."_

Olivia frowns, unable to accept this, as Amanda is clearly distraught about something and barely able to keep herself together in front of their co-workers, and she slides her hand over to her again, careful to keep her arm underneath the blanket, grazing her fingers against the other woman's jean-clad leg.

" _Please, Amanda. I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. Whatever you say will stay between the two of us. You can trust me."_

There is another long hesitation before Amanda answers and she feels the younger woman's hand touch her own briefly, Olivia breathing a sigh of relief when she reads the words on her phone screen.

" _Okay."_

xxx

 ** _*Song lyrics are from The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"_**


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia is relieved when the second movie is finally coming to an end, the storyline only getting more ridiculous as the film has dragged on. She and Amanda had continued to share the blanket for the remainder of the movie, their bodies pressed close against one another, holding hands again, fingers laced tightly together. She notices they are now the only car left in the parking lot, the only ones dumb enough to see this horrible movie through to completion, the rain now coming down in buckets, the noise of the drops drumming onto the roof of the car actually drowning out the loud, obnoxious sound of the film from time to time.

When the credits begin to roll, she reluctantly pulls away from the smaller woman, not wanting her other co-workers to realize that she had been cuddling with one of her subordinates for the majority of the movie, but not at all eager to let the other woman go. Amanda seems just as reluctant to not be in such close physical contact anymore and this only makes Olivia even more concerned and suspicious, as this isn't the blonde detective's typical behaviour at all; her colleague usually lashing out or completely ignoring everyone when she has a problem. But aside from her initial reticence, the younger woman has been more than willing to let Olivia comfort her and has even sought it out on her own.

"Oh man, this window is leaking, Fin," Carisi suddenly complains, and Olivia looks up to see moisture seeping from the crack at the top, where the glass meets the door frame, droplets of water trickling down the door.

"Ah, what did you do?" Fin says, as he turns on the car and the engine rumbles to life.

"I didn't do anything," Carisi replies. "It just started leaking. I'm getting soaked here."

"Alright, well, you might as well get in the back then," Fin responds, jerking a thumb in Olivia and Amanda's direction. "Hurry up, man, I want to get home. This weather is getting worse."

"Don't be such a baby, Carisi," Amanda suddenly mutters, a surprising amount of venom in her tone. "Just stay where you are. A little water isn't going to kill you. You're holding us up. We just want to get the hell out of here."

Olivia looks over at her, frowning at the nasty tone in her voice, but the smaller woman's expression doesn't match what she is saying, blatant fear etched into her face for a moment before her features smooth out, obviously trying to hide what she is feeling.

"Seriously?" Carisi snaps, as he slides into the backseat and Amanda inches away from him. "Grow the hell up, Amanda. Why didn't you just stay home if you were going to be so miserable all night? You've been bitching and moaning since we got here. Jesus."

"Sorry," Amanda says softly, and Olivia sees the slight tremble in her lower lip.

"Wake me up when we're at my apartment, Fin," Carisi huffs, not acknowledging the apology and turning away from them, leaning his head against the window and closing his eyes.

Olivia can see Fin rolling his eyes in the rear view mirror, muttering something about the younger generation being so dramatic, before he starts the car again and they roll out of the parking lot and start on their journey home.

Amanda is pressing herself as close to Olivia as possible now that Carisi is in the backseat with them, and this behaviour is deeply worrying to Olivia, knowing the smaller woman loves Carisi and Fin as brothers and will often engage in teasing and roughhousing with them; is usually the one to initiate it, and has no issues whatsoever with being in close physical contact with either of them. She feels a nervous pit in her stomach now and mentally urges Fin to drive faster, needing Amanda to talk to her.

The car radio is blaring some rock song from the seventies now, Fin tapping his hands on the wheel to the rhythm, and Carisi is still turned away from them, a slight snore escaping his mouth, so Olivia figures it is okay to text Amanda once again, hopeful neither of the men will notice. Amanda is shuddering quite hard against her now and Olivia can feel the other woman trying to stiffen her muscles to make the shaking stop. She feels a certain urgency as she types in the words that she has asked so many times that evening.

" _What's wrong?"_

She sees that Amanda's hands are trembling so hard she can barely hold onto her phone as she types. The blonde detective's answer is short and to the point and surprisingly honest.

" _I'm scared."_

Olivia's heart is suddenly in her throat and she feels physically ill as she types out her next sentence.

" _Scared of Carisi?"_

She is both immensely relieved and extremely concerned, when the responding message is instantaneous and adamant.

" _NO. Just scared in general. I need to get out of this car. Everyone is too close to me. I can't breathe."_

Before she can answer, Carisi moves in his sleep, the arm that is closest to Amanda falling limply off of his lap and to the side, brushing up against the smaller woman, and Olivia watches her wince and bite down hard on her lower lip, before another text comes in.

" _I don't want him touching me. Make him stop. I can't breathe."_

Amanda is staring at her now, big blue eyes wide open and shining with panic, and Olivia squeezes her hand tightly, her heart pounding in her chest as she reads the words the smaller woman has written, and she raises her arm to get Fin's attention and ask him to pull over.

Amanda seems to realize what she is doing, and grabs her arm roughly, yanking it back down and shaking her head, a deep frown etched into her delicate features now, her thumbs flying across her phone screen.

The harsh text comes in right away. _"STOP IT, OLIVIA!"_

Olivia frowns at her and then raises her eyebrows in question, and Amanda sends another message.

" _I told you earlier that I don't want them to know anything is wrong. It's none of their business. I'll be okay."_

There is sweat gathered above Amanda's upper lip now and a bead of moisture slides from her temple down her cheek, and Olivia stares hard at her, keying in another message.

" _You're NOT okay."_

Before Amanda can respond, Olivia hears a short laugh from the front seat and raises her eyes to meet Fin's dark gaze in the rear view mirror, the older man regarding her with amusement and what looks to be a tinge of confusion.

"Are you ladies telling secrets back there or something?" he chuckles.

"What?" Amanda replies, and there is a slight tremble in her voice.

"Well, that's the only reason I can think of to be texting each other when you're sitting so close together back there," he continues. "What's so important that you can't share it with the rest of the group?"

"Oh, just some girly gossip, Fin," Olivia says lightly. "Nothing to concern yourself with."

"Alright, then..." He trails off, sounding a bit uncertain, like he doesn't quite believe her but is choosing not to press the subject.

There is silence for a moment and Olivia notices that he is still looking back at them, frowning slightly now. "Is it that cold in here? You're practically in Liv's lap, Amanda. I can turn the heat up."

Olivia feels the other woman pull away from her slightly but not much, and even in the darkness of the vehicle she can see the blush climbing up her neck and spreading into her face.

Another rock song comes on the radio and Fin is distracted again, belting out the lyrics in his deep tone, Carisi muttering "Shut the hell up" under his breath before repositioning himself against the door of the car and seeming to fall back into slumber again.

Her phone lights up on her lap and when she reads Amanda's message, the corner of her lip twitches in spite of the situation.

" _Well, I guess we can't text anymore. He caught us."_

She types back quickly. _"It's fine, he's distracted again. I'm really sorry, Amanda. I was only going to say something to him because you're so uncomfortable."_

The smaller woman shrugs and doesn't text back, and Olivia wonder if she is angry with her, quickly sending another message and nudging Amanda's hand when she doesn't pick up her phone right away.

" _Be honest with me. Do we need to pull the car over? We can take a cab back to my place if you don't think you stay in here."_

Amanda shakes her head but moves closer to her under the blanket again, her hand wrapping around Olivia's arm, fingers gripping hard enough to leave bruises, and Olivia grits her teeth, partly because of the pain but also because she feels like she is drowning in worry now, the smaller woman so terrified just riding in a car with her colleagues and she wonders again what has happened. Amanda's hand had been icy cold before but now it is slippery with sweat.

The car suddenly turns sharply, skidding on the soaking wet pavement, and Carisi's arm slips off his lap again, clearly coming to contact with some part of Amanda's body, because the blush that had been previously staining her cheeks promptly drains away and even in the darkness of the car, her ashen complexion is startling. The other woman covers her mouth with her hand for a moment and her eyes close briefly, before opening wide and fixing on Olivia, staring at her intensely, a silent plea for help. Amanda moves impossibly closer to her and Olivia thinks she hears a small whimper fall from her lips.

She is immensely relieved that Fin seems to be in his own little world in the front seat, singing along with another song, his hands banging out a beat against the steering wheel. Olivia is turned sideways in her seat now, so glad that the blanket is still covering them up to their necks, as she has her arm across the top of both of Amanda's legs, gripping onto the outside of her thigh, physically holding her away from Carisi because the other woman looks like she is about to vomit.

Carisi himself is not the problem, but the fact that he is of the male gender appears to be, and Olivia's heart feels tight in her chest as she thinks of the possible implications of this. Amanda has her hands clenched onto the front of Olivia's shirt in a death grip and she feels helpless, not knowing what to do to ease the other woman's obvious terror about such a mundane situation, but it is obviously anything but mundane to Amanda.

Before she can even attempt to calm the blonde detective, all hell breaks loose. The car swerves sharply on the road again, Fin cursing under his breath, the pavement slippery underneath the wheels, before righting the vehicle, muttering an apology and complaining about the weather. But the sudden movement has dislodged Carisi from his sleeping position against the window, and he falls right into Amanda, waking up again with a start.

Olivia is unprepared for the ear splitting shriek that the small detective suddenly lets loose, the screams of panic pouring out of her mouth without abating, her eyes screwed tightly shut, tears leaking from beneath her closed lashes. Amanda has a leg thrown over both of Olivia's thighs now, like she is trying to climb into her lap, trying to escape her male colleague and friend, who has been doing nothing more than dozing fitfully beside her.

"Please don't touch me, please don't touch me," Amanda is repeating over and over, the words barely recognizable over the force of her sobs.

Fin slams on the breaks and maneuvers the skidding vehicle onto the gravel shoulder, Carisi sitting up straight in the car now, his hands held up in front of him, his eyes wide and alarmed. Olivia is completely overwhelmed, the smaller woman still screaming right into her face, and she grabs Amanda in a bear hug, pulling her all the way onto her lap now, wrapping her arms around her violently shaking frame and holding onto her tightly.

"It's okay, honey. You're safe." She rocks the blonde detective back and forth, tucking the blanket back around her, and murmuring softly into her ear as Amanda hyperventilates against her. "Just take slow breaths, sweetheart. You're safe. No one here is going to hurt you."

"Jesus Christ, Amanda." Fin sounds extremely shaken up, the car parked askew on the side of the road, the rain continuing to pound against the roof, the windshield wipers working like crazy. "What the hell happened? What's wrong?"

"God, Amanda, I'm so sorry." Carisi looks both bewildered and stricken at once, and Olivia thinks she sees the slight sheen of tears in his eyes before he blinks hard and they are gone. "I didn't mean to fall into you like that. I'm an asshole. And I shouldn't have snapped at you like I did before." He is stumbling over his words now, mumbling apologies over and over until Olivia holds up a hand.

"Carisi, it's okay, it was an accident," she says gently. "It's not your fault."

"Yeah, it's not your fault, man," Fin confirms, and Olivia can see his concerned, knowing gaze fixed on his partner. "I don't think this has anything to do with you."

It is dead silent in the car now, the only exception Amanda's quick panting breaths and gasping sobs, her heart hammering furiously against Olivia, and she thinks her own heart might explode out of her chest with the speed it is racing with. Their male colleagues watch them for a moment, stunned expressions still fixed on their faces, before Carisi opens the car door, sliding slowly to his feet.

"I'm just going to get back into the front seat," he murmurs, still sounding somewhat shocked and clearly not understanding what has just happened.

It is quiet in the vehicle again as Carisi gets settled back in the front beside Fin, and Olivia continues to rock Amanda on her lap, wiping the tears from her cheeks, but they are continuously replaced by new ones, a constant stream of sadness and despair and fear. She is desperate to get back to her apartment now, to find out what has happened to make Amanda behave in this peculiar way, although she is pretty sure she can guess now, but just doesn't know the details.

"It's okay, sweetheart," she whispers into the smaller woman's ear when she feels Amanda's shuddering intake of breath. "Just try to slow your breathing down. Deep, slow breaths. That's it," she says when she feels the small detective trying to do as she is told.

"Amanda, what happened?" Fin asks quietly, turned around in his seat and looking at them both intently. "Did someone hurt you?"

Amanda doesn't answer, pushing her face deeper into Olivia's neck, her shirt soaked through with the other woman's tears, Amanda grasping onto her with a somewhat weaker grip now, the energy seemingly drained out of her.

"Fin, I don't think now is a good time to talk about it," Olivia says gently, threading her fingers through her colleague's long hair, the silky strands tangled around her shoulders. "Amanda and I are going to go back to my place and have a little chat."

Carisi is silent beside Fin, his head bowed down in what looks to be shame and Olivia wants to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that what has just happened is in no way his fault, but Amanda is slumped heavily against her and she can't move. She tells Fin to turn the car back on so they can continue on their way home, and Fin complies, although it appears to be with some reluctance, fixing his partner with a worried gaze before turning around in his seat.

It is quiet now in the car as they navigate through the rain slicked streets, the radio turned off and no one speaking. Amanda has not moved off of Olivia's lap and Olivia hasn't asked her to, doesn't want to let go of her, aware of the fact that the other woman is still crying and her breathing has not yet returned to normal, and her heart aches for the small detective, wishing there was something she could do to take away her pain.

She feels Amanda moving slightly against her now and she cranes her neck to look at her, not sure what she is doing, when she sees her cell phone light up on the floor. It must have slipped off the seat in the earlier struggle and she leans down with a grunt to swipe it up into her hand. She reads the simple message that her colleague has written and feels like her heart is breaking.

" _Help me."_

"I will," she whispers into Amanda's ear, hugging the smaller woman impossibly closer to her, her cheek resting against the small detective's lowered head. "I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the car ride back to Olivia's apartment is completely silent, Fin dropping them off first, even though Carisi's place is closer. By the time she and Amanda dash through the pouring rain and into her building, they are both completely drenched, water dripping off their hair and clothing as they ride the elevator up to her unit.

Olivia cannot seem to keep her eyes off of the younger woman, Amanda eerily quiet now after the explosion of noise in the car earlier, the screaming and the sobbing and the struggling. This silent version of her colleague is somehow much more disconcerting, as Amanda hasn't looked at her once since getting out of Fin's vehicle, had not acknowledged either one of the men as Olivia had said her goodbyes, the exchange awkward between them, all of the levity and relaxation of earlier in the evening gone, and she knows her co-workers are extremely concerned and confused, but they will have to wait to find out what's going on with Amanda.

At this point Olivia is not even sure if she herself is going to find out, as the other woman seems to have been rendered entirely mute after her earlier breakdown. Even the constant shaking has stopped, and Amanda is as still as a statue inside the elevator, gripping the safety bar with her hands and staring at the floor, giving no sign at all that she is even aware of Olivia standing next to her.

When they get to the correct floor, Olivia walks down the hallway to her apartment, water trailing in her wake, Amanda shuffling along beside her, long hair hanging in her face, the blonde strands soaked and dripping. Both Olivia and Amanda's clothes are clinging to them, sopping wet with rain, and she knows she will have to find something for the smaller woman to wear.

She thinks the other woman may have been stunned into silence by her earlier outburst, shocked by the strength of her own meltdown, or possibly just extremely embarrassed, but Olivia wishes Amanda would start communicating with her again, even if it is just through text, if that's what the other woman feels more comfortable with. She tries to refrain from touching her again as she leads her colleague into the bathroom, pulling a couple of towels out for each of them, handing one to Amanda and then running her own towel through her thick brown locks, trying to squeeze the moisture out of them.

Amanda just stands there, holding the towel limply in her hand like she doesn't know what to do with it, and finally Olivia takes it from her, her hands ghosting over the other woman's shoulders as she urges her to turn around, rubbing the towel vigorously through Amanda's long hair, before motioning for the smaller woman to follow her into the bedroom so they can find some clothes. She digs around in her closet for a few minutes before pulling out a couple of robes and handing one to Amanda.

"Here, put this on for now, so you can get out of those wet clothes. I'll look for something warmer for you to wear. Maybe some pajamas or a sweatsuit?" She continues searching through her clothing for something appropriate for the blonde detective to put on before she realizes that Amanda is again just standing there, not moving, the robe clutched limply in her hand just like the towel had been.

"Hey," Olivia says gently, reaching out to smooth a hand down the other woman's arm, the wet material of her sweatshirt bunching under her touch. "Honey, can you talk to me? You're pretty out of it here and it's scaring me a bit," she admits.

Amanda still doesn't respond to her and Olivia carefully takes a hold of her chin, tilting her face up so their eyes meet. The small detective has a vacant look in her gaze and Olivia feels a chill run through her, before the blue eyes seem to sharpen and she can tell that Amanda is back from wherever her mind had taken her.

"Hey," she whispers, with a slight smile. "Do you want to get changed, sweetheart? Your clothes are soaking wet. Can you take them off and put this robe on while I find you something proper to wear?"

Amanda shakes her head and Olivia's brow is furrowed in confusion as she regards the pale woman in front of her. "No, you don't _want_ to get changed, or no, you _can't_ get changed?"

The blonde woman shrugs, her gaze fixed on the ground now, and Olivia reaches out to touch her arm again. "I can leave so you can have some privacy, okay? Is that what you want?"

Amanda shakes her head again and Olivia stifles a sigh of frustration, pretty sure at this point that the younger woman has no idea what she wants and is just overwhelmed in general with the events of the evening, looking like she is dead on her feet and about to collapse from exhaustion. "Do you want me to help you?" she asks softly, and Amanda nods shyly, looking up at her with vulnerable blue eyes, her front teeth biting down on her lower lip.

Olivia feels a bit hesitant about the situation but Amanda is regarding her with a trusting gaze now, eyes heavy-lidded like she is too tired to carry on by herself, and she sways slightly on her feet, Olivia reaching out yet again to lay a steadying hand on her arm. She wants to give the smaller woman some semblance of privacy, so she steps closer to her to try to turn the detective around so she can help her off with her shirt from behind, when Amanda suddenly leans into her. Olivia falters slightly on her feet with the unexpected weight against her, arms closing around her colleague as Amanda lays her head on her shoulder, the other woman's arms wrapping around her waist.

"Hey," Olivia whispers, stroking a hand through the damp blonde tresses. "Are you alright?"

"I'm tired," Amanda mumbles, and Olivia is relieved to hear her voice, her arms tightening around her colleague as Amanda sags more heavily against her.

"Okay," she replies gently. "How about we just get you into some pajamas and you can spend the night here? You can have my bed and I'll take the couch. Maybe it would be better to talk in the morning, when you're feeling a bit more alert." If Olivia is being entirely honest with herself, she is starting to get a little too tired for a long, deep conversation at this point of the night, but also knows that if Amanda wants to talk now, she is more than ready to listen.

"I'm too tired to change," Amanda murmurs, her head still heavy against Olivia's shoulder.

"That's why I'm going to help you," Olivia says softly. "You can't go to bed in soaking wet clothes."

Amanda is silent and still for a moment, just leaning into Olivia, and she has her arms wrapped securely around the small detective, just holding her, her colleague seeming to so desperately need the comfort.

"Liv, I didn't mean to flip out on Carisi in the car," Amanda finally mumbles. "I just couldn't control myself. I feel so bad. He didn't do anything to deserve that."

"I know," Olivia replies quietly, still stroking her fingers through the other woman's long damp hair. She hesitates for a moment, realizing they are both getting too exhausted to have this conversation, but she forges ahead anyway. "Can you tell me why that happened?"

"Nothing happened," Amanda whispers.

Olivia is frowning in confusion again. "What do you mean? If you're talking about the car ride home, yes, something did happen, Amanda."

"I mean before." The smaller woman's voice is so low Olivia has to strain to hear her now, Amanda's face pressed into the damp fabric of her shirt.

"What do you mean 'before'?" Olivia asks softly.

"I mean it was practically nothing," Amanda mutters. "It was so fast, it was like it didn't happen. So sometimes it feels like it actually didn't. It makes it easier."

Olivia has a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach now and she pulls away from the other woman, her hands gripping the detective's upper arms, fingers circled around the wet material of her sweatshirt. "What was so fast it was like it didn't happen?" She stares hard at Amanda, the smaller woman staring back at her, and they regard each other intensely for a long moment. "Can you elaborate on that, Amanda?"

Her colleague continues to stare at her, and Olivia can see it in her eyes, the pain and vulnerability and shame, but then Amanda shakes her head and leans into her again. Olivia sighs, closing her arms around the smaller woman once more, feeling the trembling of the other woman's body starting up again.

"Okay. It's okay," she soothes. "We don't have to talk about it right now. Let's just get ready for bed, alright?"

She feels Amanda nod against her but the blonde detective makes no effort to move out of her arms, her body seeming to become even heavier in her grip, and Olivia shakes her lightly.

"Hey, honey, you're falling asleep on your feet here," she says gently, pulling away from her as carefully as she can and turning Amanda around so they are not facing each other anymore. "Lift your arms up," she instructs softly.

With Amanda's help, they both manage to get the sopping wet sweatshirt pulled over her head and Olivia carefully undoes the clasp on the other woman's white bra that has soaked all the way through. When the bra slides down Amanda's arms and onto the floor, Olivia leans over to pick up one of the towels she had brought in with her when she suddenly stops short, staring at Amanda's bare back.

"What's this?" she whispers, running her fingers lightly over the ugly red scratches marring the otherwise smooth pale skin, the smaller woman's ribs standing out prominently with the weight loss.

The other woman is silent, her head bowed, and Olivia continues to stare at the marks, a tight feeling in her chest now.

"Amanda," she says softly. "What happened? Do they hurt?"

"No anymore," the smaller woman murmurs, and Olivia bites her lip, feeling the sudden threat of tears and blinking them back quickly.

She sighs softly, rubbing a tired hand over her face with one hand as she very carefully strokes the towel over Amanda's back with the other, not wanting to hurt the blonde detective any more than she clearly has been already. She is covering her up with the towel to give her some privacy before turning her around, when the other woman suddenly whirls around on her own, and Olivia gasps, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Amanda!"

The same ugly red scratches are littering the smaller woman's chest and Amanda looks down at herself, blushing as she seems to realize she has nothing covering her, and crosses her arms in front of her. Olivia gently drapes the towel over her and Amanda clutches onto it with both hands, staring at her again, her blue eyes full of pain and sorrow, and Olivia quickly wipes a hand over one of her own eyes, her fingers moist when she pulls them away.

"It's from the brick wall," Amanda whispers, without prompting, and Olivia swallows down a lump in her throat, feeling a sudden wave of nausea.

"The brick wall?" she repeats, her voice sounding faint to her own ears.

"When he shoved me against it," Amanda mumbles, looking down at the floor again.

"When who shoved you against it?" Olivia asks softly, and the other woman shrugs.

"I honestly have no idea."

"Where did this happen?" Olivia questions in a gentle tone, and frowns when Amanda's head snaps up right away, her expression one of guilt and regret.

"I just went to have a cigarette outside," she mutters. "Just one fucking cigarette, that's all."

"Okay..." Olivia trails off, her eyebrows raised now. "Where were you having this cigarette?"

"In the alley."

Olivia sighs. "Amanda..."

The other woman is quiet again, her teeth worrying her lower lip, and Olivia is far too exhausted to play this guessing game but feels the need to keep pushing now that she has seen these wounds on her colleague and Amanda has alluded to something terrible taking place.

"Where was the alley located? Outside a bar?"

"It was an underground place," Amanda mumbles. "A club of sorts."

"Oh," Olivia says softly, seeing where this is going now; understanding that look of guilt and shame. "Did you have a relapse, honey? Are you gambling again?"

Amanda's gaze is fixed firmly on the floor once more and she nods slowly. "It was just one time, though, Liv. I just slipped up once, that's all, and I paid for it. I paid for it dearly." She lets loose a bitter laugh and Olivia reaches for her again, but this time the detective steps away from her, shunning the physical contact.

Amanda is still standing there half naked with the towel clutched around her chest, and the shivering has started up in earnest again, and Olivia has to stop herself from wrapping her up in her embrace, her colleague looking tiny and shamed in front of her.

"I've wanted to gamble again for a few weeks now," Amanda continues in a low voice, not meeting Olivia's gaze. "The cases we've had lately, Liv...they've just been so terrible...it's like we never get a break."

Olivia nods in confirmation, internally agreeing with her, as she herself has felt like she has reached the breaking point at many times over the course of the past couple of months, each case seemingly more heinous than the last, the number of children that they have had to deal with, a shocking number of kids lately that they haven't been able to save, haven't been able to get justice for. She is a veteran of this now, as are her colleagues, but knows her own issues are cropping up as well, the need to end each evening with a glass of wine that turns into two and then three and sometimes the entire bottle, and she has wondered how her co-workers have been coping lately, the sudden explosion of ugly cases seeming to take their toll on everyone and necessitating what was supposed to be a fun night out at the drive-in that evening, an escape from reality for a little while. But reality had come crashing down hard for Amanda, simply because she had had to share the backseat of the car with someone from the opposite sex.

"I tried really hard not to give in," Amanda whispers. "I went to meetings almost every night to try to make the urges stop, but then last week..." She trails off for a moment and Olivia watches her struggle with her words, again trying to stop herself from reaching out for the smaller woman. "Last week I just broke."

The towel slips from Amanda's weak grasp and Olivia leans down to pick it up off the floor, wincing as she sees the marks on the other woman's chest again, and when she tries to hand the towel back, the blonde detective is suddenly in her arms again, sagging against her in despair and exhaustion, and Olivia wraps the towel around her back before pulling her closer, her arms closing around the frail woman.

She realizes Amanda is talking again and leans down to try to hear what she is saying, the younger woman mumbling the words into her shoulder. "You know, it wasn't even a big deal, Liv. It happened so fast and then it was over. It only took a few minutes and then he was gone. I should just get over it. It barely even counts."

"Amanda..." A tear slips from Olivia's eye now, trailing down her cheek, and she is glad the other woman can't see her face. "Whatever it was that happened, it counts. You're obviously traumatized and you have these marks all over your chest and back. It counts," she repeats firmly.

"It was my own damn fault," Amanda mutters. "I couldn't control my self destructive urges. If I had just stayed home, this wouldn't have happened."

"You have an addiction, honey," Olivia says softly, stroking her hand very carefully down the blonde detective's back, not wanting to aggravate her injuries. "This wasn't a punishment, okay? Whatever took place in that alley was not your fault. Please tell me you understand that."

Amanda is quiet against her and Olivia jostles her lightly, trying to get her to respond.

"Liv, I'm tired," the other woman finally mumbles, and she sighs, hugging Amanda closer to her once more before pulling away slightly and holding onto her shoulders as she looks into the exhausted blue eyes.

"Okay, how about we go to bed and talk some more in the morning?" she suggests gently and sees Amanda's weary nod.

Olivia grabs one of the robes that she had tossed onto the bed and wraps it around the shaking form of her colleague, pulling the towel out from underneath the garment and then hesitating briefly before helping Amanda out of her soaking wet jeans and panties, the other woman holding onto her shoulders as she slides them down her legs and pulls them off.

Amanda sits on the bed, looking fragile and forlorn as Olivia finds her warmest pair of pajamas, dressing her colleague slowly and carefully, before quickly divesting herself of her own drenched clothing and almost sighing in relief when she pulls on her own warm pair of pajamas, happy to be dry and comfortable.

"Okay, I'm just going to be out on the couch if you need anything," she says softly as she tucks Amanda into the bed, wrapping the thick quilt snuggly around her, the other woman looking small underneath all the covers, her damp blonde hair spread out across Olivia's pillow.

Her co-worker nods and parts her lips, suddenly looking like she wants to say something, and Olivia hovers there for a moment, one eyebrow slightly raised, waiting for Amanda to speak, but the other woman closes her mouth and smiles slightly. "Goodnight, Liv."

"Goodnight, Amanda." Olivia feels like her feet are glued to the floor for a moment as she turns to leave, and she feels like she should stay, like she should be the smaller woman's anchor throughout the night after such an awful evening, but she doesn't want to push it and Amanda hasn't verbalized her need for Olivia to be there with her.

"Please come and get me if you need anything at all, okay?" she says firmly and watches Amanda nod, her colleague's eyes already closing.

Olivia closes the door softly behind her and pads into the living room, getting her own bed set up on the couch. As utterly depleted as she feels now, she finds that she cannot settle down and she tosses and turns, picking up the TV remote and wondering if she should flip through the channels to see if anything interesting is on. She can't get her mind off of Amanda and the revelations of earlier and she rubs a tired hand across her eyes, wondering if the other woman has been able to fall asleep.

As if in answer to her question, her phone suddenly lights up on the end table beside her, giving a sharp buzz, and she quickly swipes it up into her hand, noticing the message is from Amanda.

" _Thank you, Liv,"_ it simply reads.

Her lip turns up at the corner and she sends a fast reply. _"Anytime, Amanda. I'm glad you're staying_ _here tonight."_

" _Me too,"_ is the equally quick answer.

Olivia is keying in a response when another lightning fast text comes in from the smaller woman.

" _I'm still scared."_

She frowns and bites her lip, her legs twitching underneath the blanket, wondering if she should get up and go check on her colleague, but decides to send her another message instead.

" _It's okay to be scared."_

She waits several seconds for a return text and when one doesn't come, she sits up on the couch, swinging her legs over the side, preparing to get to her feet.

As if Amanda knows what she is doing, her phone lights up with another message. _"I'm okay, Liv._ _Goodnight."_

Olivia perches on the edge of the couch, the urge to go back to her bedroom so strong, but she doesn't want to intrude on Amanda's personal space more than she already has that night and unless the smaller woman specifically states that she needs her, actually asks for Olivia's help again, she resolves to stay put in the living room. Her thumbs hover over her phone screen in hesitation, a frown fixes on her face, as she keys in her final message of the evening.

" _Goodnight, Amanda."_


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia is dreaming of bees, the small insects flying around her head, buzzing noisily into her ear, and she swats at them in irritation, just wanting some peace and quiet as she tries to sleep. She rolls over onto her side and frowns as she realizes she is on the couch in her apartment and not outdoors, and her living room should not be swarming with bees or anything else for that matter. She opens her eyes to see her cell phone pressed under her cheek, having rolled right over onto it while she has slept, the hard rectangle just inside her field of vision and buzzing insistently into her ear, the light from the screen causing her eyes to squeeze shut again.

She suddenly remembers why she is sleeping in the living room and not in her bedroom, her eyes flying back open, and she whips the phone off the couch and into her hand, squinting at the screen to read what it says.

"Oh, shit," she mutters, struggling to her feet as quickly as she can, realizing she has missed a whole string of texts from Amanda and wondering why the smaller woman hadn't just come out there to get her.

It is 2:30am now and the first text had come in an hour before, followed by several more in quick succession:

 _"Liv, are you awake?"_

 _"Sorry, I know it's late and I shouldn't be texting you."_

 _"I don't want to come out there and wake you up."_

 _"Liv, I'm scared. Are you awake?"_

 _"Okay, I guess not."_

 _"Sorry to bother you."_

Olivia practically sprints down the hall, cursing herself under her breath, surprised that her exhaustion had pulled her so far into unconsciousness that she hadn't heard any of the texts from her colleague. Just as she is pushing open her bedroom door, she halts abruptly in her tracks, feeling like her heart has stopped.

She is looking down at her phone again, realizing she has missed a message. The last text had come in one minute prior, the message that had awakened her, and simply reads:

 _"There's someone in your bedroom with me."_

"Amanda!" she yells in panic, bursting into the room to see the smaller woman sitting up in the bed, dwarfed in Olivia's too-large pajamas, the covers pooled around her waist, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

Olivia looks wildly around the room before realizing that they are the only two people in there, and then fixing the other woman with a confused look, feeling like she is still half asleep and not able to think properly, not able to process what is going on.

"Liv, there was a man in here with me," Amanda mumbles, still rubbing her eyes, and Olivia realizes that her colleague is also not quite awake, seemingly as out of it as she herself is.

"Honey, there's no one in here," she says, her voice scratchy with sleep, trying to calm her fluttering heart rate.

"There was," Amanda insists, but her voice wavers, not sounding entirely certain. "He wanted me to get into his car."

"His car?" Olivia repeats, still trying to shake loose the cobwebs from her brain. "Sweetheart, we're inside right now. There's no man here with a car. You're just dreaming."

"But there was," Amanda whispers, gazing at her with blue eyes that only are half open, blonde hair wild, a pink flush of sleep staining her normally pale cheeks. "They were going to take me somewhere..."

"'They'?" Olivia says, frowning now and sitting down on the bed beside the other woman. "Amanda, what are you talking about? I thought you said there was only one man in here."

"There was one but there was about to be two..." Amanda rolls over onto her side, away from Olivia, and burrows into the pillow, blonde curtain of hair splayed out behind her. "He was waiting for his friend."

Olivia feels a tendril of alarm curling through her as she listens to the other woman speak, and she leans over on the bed, peering down at her face, noticing that the smaller woman has closed her eyes. "Amanda, what are you talking about?" she repeats with some urgency now. "There were two men?"

"Hmm?" Amanda sounds like she is falling back to sleep, and Olivia jostles her slightly to get her attention. "No, not two. Not yet. There was just one."

"What? Honey, I don't understand what you're talking about," Olivia says, placing a hand on the younger woman's back and frowning when she feels the sharp flinch underneath her touch. "Are you talking about your dream?"

"No, the alley."

Olivia feels that dreads piercing through her again, that same feeling she had several hours earlier, when Amanda had started haltingly revealing some of the details of her ordeal.

"Liv, you didn't answer me," the small detective suddenly murmurs, her tone slightly accusing, rolling over to look up at her at, blue eyes still at half mast. "I texted you and you didn't come."

"Honey, I am so sorry," Olivia replies, feeling a stab of guilt, and trying to stop herself from touching the other woman again. "I must have been in a deep sleep. I didn't even hear my phone. Why didn't you come out there to wake me up? I told you that you could wake me up for anything you needed."

There is silence now and Olivia looks down at her colleague, Amanda's eyes closed again, her breathing evening out. She sits there for a few minutes, still feeling out of sorts, jarred from such a deep sleep and thrown into the details of the other woman's nightmares, which she is sure are mixing in with what has actually happened in reality. She hesitates for a moment before sliding her legs carefully over the side of the mattress and tiptoeing to the door of the room, figuring she should go back out to the couch, but feeling quite reluctant about it when it is clear the other woman is having such a bad night.

As if sensing her thoughts, Amanda suddenly sits bolt upright with a start, eyes wide open now and fixed on her intently, and even in the darkness of the room, Olivia can see the stark panic weaving its way through the fog of fatigue.

"Liv, are you leaving me?" The blonde detective's voice is small and childlike, and Olivia feels her heart clenching in her chest as she watches Amanda rub at her eyes again, looking vulnerable and afraid, and she takes a step back toward the bed.

"No, honey, I can stay here if you want me to," she whispers, and Amanda nods in affirmation.

"I never wanted you to leave in the first place," she murmurs, voice still sounding muddled with sleep.

"Amanda." Olivia sits back down beside her with a frown. "Why didn't you tell me that before? I would have stayed here with you."

The other woman shrugs, staring down at the quilt, one hand plucking at a loose thread. "I didn't want to be too needy." Olivia sees the corner of Amanda's lip quirk up into a self-deprecating smile. "But then I texted you half a dozen times in the middle of the night, so that didn't really work out so well."

Olivia chuckles softly, easing herself under the covers next to her colleague but remembering Amanda's earlier flinch when she had been touched, and is careful not to get too close. "It's okay, honey, you're not needy. You're just going through something right now. And I'm really sorry I didn't wake up when you messaged me."

"It's alright," Amanda whispers. "I shouldn't have been texting you anyway. Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Olivia says softly. "One of your messages said you were scared again. How come?"

It is silent for a moment. "I'm just scared all the time now," the smaller woman reluctantly admits. "It's like my new permanent state. I don't know how to be any other way. I can't make it stop." She hesitates for a moment. "The nights are the worst. I hate being alone."

"Well, you're not alone tonight," Olivia replies quietly, and notices Amanda shift slightly closer to her in the bed, the smaller woman's eyelids starting to look heavy again.

"I know," Amanda murmurs. "Thank you, Liv."

"You're welcome, Amanda." Olivia leans back against the pillows and closes her eyes, the need for more sleep warring with her concern for her colleague's state of mind, and she feels that familiar ache in her heart that hasn't left her alone for the past several hours, the other woman in obvious pain and Olivia not able to fix it for her.

She is aware of the smaller woman shifting closer to her under the covers once again and she cracks an eye open, the corner of her lip turning up when she feels Amanda's pinky finger hook around her own, like they had been doing in the car earlier. The detective's head is pressed into the pillow and her eyes are closed again but her finger is squeezing Olivia's with some urgency, and Olivia squeezes back, moving over enough so their arms are pressed against one another now.

"Just go back to sleep, Amanda," she whispers, feeling the pull of unconsciousness again. "You're safe."

The last thing she feels before slipping back into oblivion is Amanda's hand wrapping around her own and holding on tightly.

xxx

When Olivia awakens again some time later, it is not to the gentle buzzing of her phone against her face, but to the shrill screaming right into her ear. Her eyelids fly open and again she has to remind herself where she is and what's going on, momentarily confused and thinking she is still in Fin's car with Amanda in her lap, shrieking in terror. But she remembers she is now in her own bed with the small detective tucked up beside her, and again there are the desperate sounds of fear pouring from the other woman's throat, Amanda's hands on her chest, trying to shove Olivia away from her.

"Don't touch me!" she cries, and scrambles away in the bed when Olivia sits up quickly beside her. "Get away from me! Leave me alone!"

"Amanda, it's okay!" Olivia says, holding her hands up in front of her, the haze of interrupted sleep disappearing instantly as she focuses on the other woman's alarmed anxiety. "You're safe, there's no one here but me. I won't touch you, I promise."

"Why did you cover my mouth?" her colleague accuses, pulling the covers up around her chest, apparently trying to use the blankets as a shield. "I can't breathe when you do that!"

"Sweetheart, I didn't cover your mouth," Olivia explains softly. "I was sound asleep, as were you. You're dreaming. It's not real."

"It is real," Amanda insists, and Olivia sees the blonde detective's lips trembling, the hands that are holding the covers up over her chest shaking violently. "I couldn't yell for help. He wouldn't let me talk. He wouldn't let me breathe." Amanda is panting now, looking like she is desperately trying to suck in air but not having much success. "I can't breathe. Olivia, I can't breathe!"

"Amanda, it's okay-" She tries to reach for her, but the other woman jerks away from her touch with another terrified shriek, simultaneously pleading with Olivia to help her while backing away from her in terror.

"Liv, I can't breathe!" Amanda has slipped over the side of the bed now and is kneeling on the floor against the mattress, her hands clutching hard onto the blankets as she tries yet again to suck in a mouthful of air.

"Okay, Amanda, just try to calm down, honey..." Olivia's heart is pounding as she eases her way across the bed, not wanting to scare the smaller woman anymore than she already is, but realizing that Amanda is completely out of control and that she needs to try to talk her down, needs to assure her that she is safe and needs her colleague to actually believe that she is, that no one will hurt her here.

Amanda is staring up at her, blue eyes wide open and wild, desperate pants escaping from her parted lips, and Olivia sits there above her for moment, hands still raised up high in the air as she regards the younger woman on the floor, a helpless feeling wrapping around her. Amanda has a confused expression on her face, like she is unsure of what is happening, like she doesn't know whether to throw herself into Olivia's arms or try to continue with her escape. Olivia decides to sit there patiently and not move, slowly lowering her arms down as she maintains eye contact with the terrified woman.

"Are you awake now?" she finally whispers. "Are you here with me, Amanda? Do you know what's going on?"

Amanda's eyes are locked onto her own, her brow wrinkling slightly now. "Liv, I still can't breathe," she murmurs, but her tone is somewhat less alarmed now, and Olivia feels a tiny tendril of relief that the smaller woman appears to be coming back to reality.

"You can breathe," she assures her, and Amanda gives her a brief look of disbelief before sucking in another experimental breath, the scared expression relaxing slightly.

Olivia realizes that the small detective is no longer kneeling against the bed, but has backed away entirely and is now siting crossed legged on the floor, her back against the wall, her hands gripping the borrowed pajama pants she is wearing. She takes a chance and moves slowly over the bed, swinging first one leg and then the other over the side of the mattress, planting both feet on the floor, but then halting her movements when she sees that look of fear cross the other woman's expression again.

"Liv, he hurt me. It hurts." Amanda's voice is so low, Olivia has to strain to hear it, and her heart is aching in her chest once again.

"I'm so sorry honey," she says softly. "Can you tell me what happened now?"

"It doesn't even matter," the smaller woman replies, a sudden dismissive tone in her voice now.

Olivia is frowning deeply. "Amanda, stop saying that. It obviously does matter." She pauses for a moment, very unsure of herself now, a feeling she is definitely not used to, but decides to speak again anyway, to voice what she has been wanting to ask for quite some time now. "Did this man rape you, Amanda?"

The blonde detective bites her lip and looks away, her gaze fixed on the floor, before shrugging slightly.

"Is that a yes or a no, sweetheart?" Olivia asks softly.

Amanda is quiet for a long moment, still not giving a straight answer either way. "He did things," she finally whispers.

"What kind of things?" Olivia's voice is very gentle and compassionate, mentally urging the smaller woman to keep talking.

Amanda shrugs, her gaze still fixed firmly on the floor. "I had a lot to drink that night. And I was gambling."

"Okay..." Olivia's voice trails off and she is still staring hard at the younger woman huddled up on the floor of her bedroom. "Neither of those things matter, Amanda. You know that."

"But they do matter," Amanda insists. "I had so much to drink that I wasn't aware enough of my surroundings and it was hard to fight him off. My mind was elsewhere because I couldn't stop thinking about what I had just done, that I had actually gambled after all this time of being so good, of not giving in. I just went outside for a cigarette to try to calm my nerves, to try to get myself back under control, to try to convince myself go home. But then he was there, just out of nowhere. I didn't even have time to react..."

"It okay," Olivia whispers, feeling her feet twitching against the floor, wanting nothing more than to go over to where Amanda is sitting, to try to provide her with some physical comfort, but she remains where she is, trying to hold in her frustration with the situation of not being able to move from where she is without terrifying the other woman again. "It's not your fault."

"It _is_ my fault," Amanda insists.

"It's _not_ ," Olivia snaps, her voice stern now, feeling a sudden stab of anger. "You know better than this, Amanda. How long have you worked in the Special Victims Unit? Would you tell a victim that it's her own fault because she had too much to drink? Or because she had a relapse with an addiction that she has been trying so hard to control?"

"I'm not a victim," the smaller woman mutters, swiping a hand underneath her eyes and pulling her legs up to her chest, resting her blonde head against her knees.

Olivia rubs her hands roughly over her face, stifling a sigh of exhaustion and trying to push down that slight feeling of impatience that is trying to rise to the surface. Almost as if her body has a will of its own, she finds herself slipping over the side of the bed and sitting down on the floor, leaning back against the mattress and crossing her legs, needing to be closer to Amanda, and mirroring the smaller woman's earlier position.

Her colleague raises her head and sees what Olivia is doing, a squeak of fear falling from her lips as she tried to scramble further away, and Olivia raises her hands again, her heart rate picking up. "Amanda, I'm not going to touch you," she says firmly. "I would never do anything you don't want me to do. It's okay."

"I know, I'm sorry," Amanda whispers. "I know I'm safe with you, Liv. I just...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry," she says again.

"You don't have to be sorry," Olivia whispers. "You need to stop apologizing for things that are not your fault. Nothing is your fault, okay?"

They sit there staring at one another in the darkness, and Olivia has no idea what time it is, just that it is still the middle of the night and she wishes the sun would come up, wants this night to be done and over with. There is a silence in the room now, the sudden quiet deafening after all the noise and turmoil, and she and Amanda continue to regard each other intensely, not breaking eye contact. She is aware that quite a long amount of time passes as they continue to sit there, not moving or speaking, and she feels her legs begin to cramp up beneath her, the need to stretch her body out, but she remains where she is.

"Can you talk to me, Amanda?" Olivia finally whispers. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"No," the smaller woman says softly. "I don't want to talk anymore."

Olivia sighs. "Okay, we won't talk anymore." She notices her colleague hesitating, the blonde woman biting down hard on her lip now, and she raises one eyebrow slightly. "Is there something you do want, Amanda?"

The other woman nods slowly, a look of shame crossing her features, and Olivia sees tears welling up in her eyes, the smaller woman blinking them impatiently away. "I want you to hold me."

Both of Olivia's eyebrows are raised in complete surprise now and she finds herself biting her own lip in hesitation. "Amanda, I don't think that's a good idea," she hedges nervously. "I don't think you really want to be touched right now."

"Okay," the other woman replies, swiping a hand roughly across her eyes, a hitch in her tone now. "Sorry."

"Amanda..." Olivia reaches her arm out toward her, her hand hovering in the air between them, and the detective backs further away, a hurt, ashamed look fixed on her delicate features now.

"I've bothered you enough tonight, Olivia," Amanda whispers, curling into herself against the wall. "You're my boss and I've been inappropriate and stupid. I'm not this needy and clingy, I'm really not. I'm _not_ ," she says firmly, like she is trying to convince herself. "I used to be strong." She sighs, and her face is pressed into the wall now. "I'm not myself anymore."

There are tears welled up in her own eyes now, and Olivia shifts forward on the floor until she is right beside Amanda, her hand hovering in the air again, before she places it very gently against the smaller woman's back, mindful of the marks she had seen earlier that night. She strokes her fingers softly against the material of the pajama shirt, relieved when her colleague doesn't flinch or pull away from her this time.

"You _are_ strong, Amanda," she assures her quietly. "Whoever this man is, whatever he has done, he doesn't get to take that away from you."

The smaller woman sighs deeply and pulls herself away from the wall slowly, as if it is taking all of her strength and effort to do so, and she leans into Olivia, her movements unsure, like she is expecting to be rejected. Olivia's arms close around her and Amanda slumps more heavily against her, the utter exhaustion evident, this seemingly never ending night clearly taking its toll on her. Olivia rests her cheek wearily against the other woman's bent head and closes her eyes, her hand continuing to smooth gently over her back, fingers tracing soothing circles, feeling the smaller woman's heart fluttering against her palm.

They are still sitting on the floor, Amanda wrapped safely in Olivia's embrace and sleeping soundly against her, when the sun starts to rise.


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter is rated "M" for a graphic description of sexual assault. Please be aware of this before you continue reading, if this type of thing triggers you or if you want to skip over it** **. This is the last chapter of the story. Thank you for reading.**

xxx

When Olivia awakens again, her limbs are so heavy she feels like she is glued to the bed and has become one with the blankets she is swaddled in. She is so completely exhausted and spent from the night she has just had, that if the apartment were on fire right at this moment, she doesn't think she would be able to rouse herself enough to escape and is entirely lacking in the motivation to move at all.

Sometime over the last couple of hours she had unwrapped herself from the embrace of her blonde colleague and had dragged her poor body off of what had become an excruciatingly painful position on the floor, pulling Amanda up with her and tucking them both back into the bed. The smaller woman had protested vehemently at being separated from Olivia, apparently completely over her earlier aversion to being touched, so she had quickly taken the small detective back into her arms once they were snuggled under the covers together and Amanda had fallen right back to sleep.

Olivia cracks one bleary brown eye halfway open and notices that the sun that had awoken her earlier has disappeared again and it sounds like it is raining just as hard as it had been at the drive-in the night before, the drops hammering the bedroom window so hard she is afraid the glass is in danger of cracking. She slowly becomes aware of another sound in the room, one that is almost drowned out by the force of the rain, and Olivia's heart is suddenly breaking as she realizes that Amanda is weeping softly beside her.

She turns her head to look at the smaller woman, noticing Amanda has changed positions sometime over the past little while and is no longer tucked into her embrace but is turned away from her at the edge of the mattress, curled up into a tight little ball under the covers, the blankets almost entirely obscuring her head, a few stray strands of blonde hair that are peeking out the only indication that another person is under there. She can hear the little hitches in the other woman's breathing, like Amanda is trying to cry as quietly as she can so Olivia doesn't hear her, and she feels like she is intruding on a private moment even though they are in her own bedroom.

She lays there for several minutes, listening to the smaller woman's quiet weeping, none of the panic or terror from the night before, just broken, defeated sobs of despair, and Olivia stares up at the ceiling, her throat tight, biting down hard on her lower lip to keep her own tears at bay, but they trickle down her cheeks and dribble onto the pillow below her. Her temptation to roll over and pull her colleague back into her arms is so strong that she has to grip firmly onto her own pajama pants to stop her hands from moving, knowing Amanda just needs this time to herself while she thinks Olivia is still asleep.

After a little while Amanda is quiet again and Olivia is relieved, hoping the other woman has been able to drift back into some much-needed sleep, but then she is aware of another sound, this one much more alarming than the last, and this time she does roll over, her arms automatically reaching for the small detective. Amanda is gasping now, desperate choking sounds emanating from her throat, no longer prone beneath the covers but thrashing frantically like she is unable to take a breath, and Olivia can hear her trying to suck in a mouthful of air, a strangled cough immediately following.

"Amanda!" She quickly scrambles over to where the other woman is struggling so hard to breathe and whips the blankets aside, her alarm ratcheting up a notch when she leans over her colleague to see the chalky white pallor of her face, the beads of sweat lining her hairline, and she hauls the small detective up into her arms, cradling her in her lap much like she had in the car the night before.

"Jesus, Amanda, breathe!" she instructs, as the blonde woman twitches and writhes violently in her embrace, fingers clawing at her own throat, and Olivia doesn't think she has ever witnessed a panic attack or flashback of this magnitude before. "Sweetheart, take a breath for me, come on. It's okay, you're safe here. There's nobody here but us. Everything is fine."

Something between a whimper and a moan finds its way from between Amanda's parted lips and the smaller woman's head is lolling limply against Olivia's chest now, her hands clutching weakly onto the front of her pajama shirt.

"Come on, honey, breathe; I know you can," Olivia urges, trying as hard as possible to keep the panic from her voice, trying to keep her tone low and soothing and reassuring, as Amanda continues to struggle desperately in her arms, legs flailing and feet getting caught in the blankets. "Just breathe slowly and deeply, sweetheart. You can do it."

Amanda's hand has worked its way underneath Olivia's pajama top and is twisting the hem around in her grip and tugging on it, more choking sounds working their way out of her mouth, and Olivia grasps onto her hand with one of her own, squeezing the clenched fingers tightly. The smaller woman is groaning loudly now and Olivia thinks this is a positive sign, a better sound than the strangled gasps for air, and she continues to urge her to breathe slowly and deeply, the detective's heart galloping underneath her touch.

"Liv...help me..." Amanda wheezes, and Olivia looks down to see tears streaking her cheeks, her complexion even more ashen than before, and she quickly positions herself up against the headboard, moving the smaller woman from her cradled position so that her back is against Olivia's chest, Olivia's arms banded firmly around her stomach and her legs bent at the knee, Amanda's fingernails immediately digging painfully into the outside of her thighs.

"Okay, sweetheart, come on," Olivia says softly. "I know you can do this. Just breathe with me, okay?" She moves one of her hands up to Amanda's chest, over her heart, feeling the rapid flutter beneath her palm. "Just copy me, okay? Breathe when I breathe."

Olivia takes a slow, deep breath in and then lets it out, her other hand moving up to wipe a sweaty strand of blonde hair away from the other woman's face, as she feels Amanda struggling to do as she says. Her colleague's arms are wrapped around Olivia's bent knees now, holding on tightly, her head thrusting back against her chest as she tries to take in a breath, and Olivia peers down at her to see her eyes clenched shut, her mouth wide open, tears seeping out from beneath her long lashes.

"Oh, honey," she murmurs, feeling her own tears welling up again at the sight of the other woman's intense distress, and she stubbornly blinks them back. "Just keep trying, okay? Breathe when I breathe," she repeats.

"I...can't..." Amanda whimpers, her arms clutched so tightly around Olivia's legs now, pulling them so close her body that Olivia can feel her knees digging into the smaller woman's ribs. She tries to pull away slightly so she doesn't hurt the blonde detective, but Amanda only holds on more forcefully. A panicked sob bursts from the other woman's throat and she turns her head to look imploringly up at Olivia, tears spilling from her big blue eyes. "Liv, help me," she begs. "I can't make it stop! Please...help me..."

"You can," Olivia assures her softly, a tight feeling in chest, her throat closing up on her own sob as she stares down into Amanda's desperate gaze, and again she has to force herself to stay calm, trying to slow her racing heart because she knows the smaller woman can feel it and she needs Amanda to trust that Olivia will be her anchor and won't fall apart, that everything will be fine, that she is safe here. "You can make it stop. I know it feels like you can't, but you can. You can breathe."

"I can't," Amanda whispers, but Olivia feels the fierce grip around her knees loosen slightly.

"You can," she says again, this time more firmly. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're in control of the situation, Amanda. It's not controlling you."

She hears the small snort of derision from the other woman, and lets out a slight sigh, relieved to see a tiny spark of Amanda's usual attitude, hoping the detective will begin to emerge from this frightening state soon and that the claws of anxiety are finally loosening their hold on her. She leans down to wipe the tears from the other woman's face with her hand and feels Amanda grasp onto it as she is pulling away, holding Olivia's hand to her chest with both of her own, bowing her head and pressing her forehead against their joined hands.

Olivia strokes the fingers of her other hand through the blonde mess of hair in front of her, slipping down to squeeze the back of Amanda's neck gently, still feeling the smaller woman's heart racing against her, listening to the ragged intakes of breath and shaky exhalations. She realizes that although Amanda seems to be breathing a little easier now, she is shuddering violently in her embrace, her entire body shaking with the force of her trembling, and Olivia wraps her arms more firmly around her, reminding her gently to keep breathing and that she is safe.

After several minutes, it is completely silent in the room again, the only sound the harsh force of the rain beating against the window. Amanda is curled up in a fetal position in her lap now, head sagging heavily against Olivia's chest, eyes closed, breathing with ease once again but body still quaking with the aftermath of such an intense panic attack, and Olivia can feel the sudden small twitches in the other woman's limbs from time to time. She is rocking the smaller woman slowly from side to side, having leaned back against the pillows and tucked the blankets back around them, feeling slightly more relaxed about the situation now.

"Are you okay?" she finally asks in a soft voice, after the silence has stretched on for so long, she is not even sure if Amanda is awake anymore.

"Hmm," is the murmured response, and Olivia is not sure how to interpret this, so she caresses a hand gently over the blonde woman's cheek to try to rouse her from her anxiety-induced stupor.

"Hey there," she says in a low tone. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"

"I've been better," Amanda whispers, and Olivia's heart aches for her.

"What happened, honey?" she asks, stroking her hand through the smaller woman's long tangled hair again. "What brought this on so suddenly?"

It is silent for a moment and she feels Amanda shrug against her. "I don't know."

"You don't know? Or you don't want to tell me?" Olivia questions lightly.

Her colleague shrugs again, curling up into a tighter ball in her embrace, head pushed against Olivia's chest, one hand coming up to cover her eyes.

"Hey," Olivia says quietly, gently pulling the smaller woman's hand away from her face. "What's going on in your head, honey?"

"A lot of things," Amanda murmurs.

"Oh, yeah? What kind of things?" Olivia asks softly.

"I'm a failure," the other woman says abruptly.

"What?" Olivia asks in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"You know why," Amanda mutters. "Because I couldn't keep my self destructive urges under control. And now I'm right back at square one."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," Olivia replies, rocking her back and forth again for a moment. "I know it must be awful for you to have relapsed but you'll get back on your feet again. You'll get through it. There are a lot of people willing to help you."

"I don't deserve to be helped," the other woman states firmly, and Olivia frowns, trying to pull Amanda away from her chest to look her in the eye, but her colleague won't budge from her position and just covers her face with her hands again.

"Why?" she asks sternly. "Why don't you deserve it?"

"Because...because I can't get over what happened," Amanda murmurs.

"What?" Olivia's brow wrinkles in confusion. "Honey, I still don't know exactly what happened to you. And you don't deserve help because you can't get over it? Amanda, listen to what you're saying, sweetheart. That doesn't even make any sense. From what I've seen since last night, this is obviously not something you are just going to be able to put behind you right away. And why do you need to get over it so quickly? Whatever it was only happened last week, sweetheart. You're still trying to process everything."

"I need to get over it because it was practically nothing, okay?" Amanda spits out vehemently. "It was done within the span of a few minutes. It wasn't that bad, Liv, really. I was free to go home afterwards, I didn't even need medical attention, I took care of the injuries myself. These cases we've had lately, all these kids, the ones who didn't make it..." She trails off for a moment. "What right do I have to complain when there are so many people going through so much worse? I'm acting like it's the end of the goddamn world just because some asshole assaulted me in a back alley while I was drinking and smoking and gambling away every cent to my name because I can't handle the cases we've had lately, the job I've been doing for years, the fucking terrible things that I can't get out of my head. Liv, these victims that we see every single day, they have it so much worse than I ever will; they're so young and innocent and didn't put themselves in these situations."

"So you deserved it then?" Olivia snaps, feeling that same anger from earlier rising inside her again, and trying to tamp it down, knowing Amanda doesn't need her to be emotional right now and just needs her to listen. "Remember when I asked if you would tell a victim it was their fault because they were drinking or gambling? Well, let me ask you something else, Amanda. Would you tell someone to just get over it because it happened quickly, because it 'barely counts' as you said last night? So what if it was over and done with in the span of a few minutes? You can't compare pain, Amanda. Just because the victims we deal with everyday have been through terrible things, it doesn't mean what happened to you doesn't matter."

Amanda's breath catches in a sob, and Olivia leans down to press her cheek against the smaller woman's. "You're allowed to feel whatever you need to feel," she whispers. "Stop trying to minimize it. And stop saying you deserved what happened and you don't deserve help because of your relapse. One thing has nothing to do with the other, Amanda."

"But it does," the other woman says softly. "If I had just stayed home that night, he never would have...he never would have done that. I couldn't even stay sober long enough to get through the gambling because I knew that what I was doing was so wrong. I couldn't get through it without a cigarette..." She takes a deep breath. "He shoved me face first into the wall, Olivia. My cigarette scraped across the bricks and fell right out of my mouth. My face was only saved from hitting the wall because he had one of his disgusting hands wrapped around my hair, yanking it back. But I was wearing this skimpy little dress, very low cut, and my chest got all scratched up. I had no idea what had even happened. I was just standing out there having a quick smoke, lost in my own thoughts, and he was suddenly there. I didn't even see him. It was pouring that night and I was trying to stay out of the rain, and all of a sudden I was pushed up against the wall and I was completely drenched and his fingers were..."

Olivia's heart is breaking as her colleague trails off and she looks down at the woman in her arms, Amanda suddenly trying to twist out of her embrace, her mouth dragging down in another sob. She holds onto the small detective tightly, feeling the violent shaking start up again.

"Sweetheart, please just tell me," she whispers. "Just get it out."

"Don't look at me, Liv," Amanda pleads, hiding her face again. "Please. I can't say this with you staring at me like that."

"Okay," Olivia says softly. "I won't look at you. But can I still hold you while you tell me?" Her stomach is twisted up in knots and her heart is pounding in a sickly rhythm, and there is actually a tiny part of her that wants Amanda to stop talking; that this is her colleague and friend saying these words to her, a woman she has worked with for several years and has come to care about very much confessing these terrible things, and even though she has done this kind of thing everyday for nearly two decades, has listened to victims spill their darkest secrets and comforted them, this is somehow different. They are in her own home, in her own bed, and the younger woman is siting in her lap and has been clutching onto her like Olivia is her lifeline, and it makes this situation much more difficult, more intimate, more personal.

Amanda nods her consent at being held and curls up onto her side in Olivia's embrace, knees to her chest, her head bowed, blonde hair obscuring her face now, hands clutching onto the arm that Olivia has wrapped around her chest, Olivia's other hand rubbing soothing circles over her back as she continues to speak.

"He was just behind me all of a sudden, his knee between my legs, forcing them apart, his body pressed up against mine, his other disgusting hand over my mouth so I couldn't say anything or...or breathe..."

Olivia feels the shaking grow worse, hears a gasping breath, the other woman's heart beating furiously through the pajama shirt she is wearing, and she rubs her back more firmly, trying to ground Amanda with her touch. "It's okay, sweetheart, you're safe," she whispers. "You're not there anymore, you're safe in my apartment. You're warm and dry and you can breathe. No one is hurting you."

She sees Amanda nod again and listens to the shaky intake of breath. "Before I knew what he was doing, before I could make him stop, his hand was underneath my dress, pushing my underwear aside and his fingers were...they were inside me..."

Olivia hears the other woman's slight gag, and pulls her tighter against her chest, biting down hard on her own lip, urging her softly to keep talking.

"He was drunk and sloppy and rough, and his hands were everywhere, his fingers were in both places down there, digging in so hard...I could smell the alcohol on his breath, could taste the grotesque skin of his hand that was against my mouth. He hurt me, it hurt a lot, actually. He was so rough..."

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia murmurs, swallowing down a lump in her throat and holding the smaller woman impossibly closer as she trails off again. "Do you need a break?" she asks quietly, expecting her colleague to nod, but she is surprised when Amanda shakes her head and starts speaking again.

"He kept muttering all these filthy things into my ear, that I was a slut and a whore and I was asking for it because of what I was wearing. He said he'd seen me inside the club and couldn't keep his eyes off of me...that it was his friend who had pointed me out to him. He said I was making him angry because I wasn't wet enough and that it was my fault that he couldn't get it up because I wasn't turning him on enough. He was mad that I was _making_ him do this in an alley, like we were animals."

Olivia hears the half laugh, half sob that falls from Amanda's throat.

"I couldn't even see him, Liv. It was pitch dark and pouring rain and we were in this tiny alley between buildings. I had no idea what he looked like, just that he was big and heavy and he smelled bad and I couldn't get him off of me. Before I knew what was happening, he had turned me around and was pushing my back into the bricks. I could feel my skin getting all scratched up again. And then he was..." Amanda stops talking again and Olivia hears another gag, is aware of the other woman's hand pressed against her mouth briefly before she takes a deep breath and keeps talking. "He was kneeling down in front of me and he was pushing my dress up, pulling my underwear aside again...he said I wasn't wet enough and he was going to help me out..."

Olivia is feeling nauseous herself now and she closes her eyes, her lips parting to ask her colleague to stop speaking, to say that she is the one who needs the break, even though Amanda had been the one to suffer through it, but she is resolute in listening, in letting the smaller woman finally get it all out and hopefully begin to start healing.

"His mouth was on me down there, his tongue...and I had my hands in his hair, pulling as hard as I could to get his face away from me, and it made him mad. He said again that it was my fault that he couldn't get it up, that we shouldn't be doing this in an alleyway in the pouring rain, like _I_ was the one who had initiated it and was forcing him to do these things." Olivia hears the sudden sharp intake of breath and glances down at the blonde woman quickly before glancing away again, remembering what Amanda had said earlier about not looking at her. "But then he said it was okay, that it didn't matter, because his friend was bringing the car around...and then we could all do it in the backseat, out of the rain..."

It is quiet for a long moment and Olivia has her eyes closed again, holding the trembling woman as tightly as she can against her body, and she thinks that Amanda is done, but then her colleague speaks again, her tone so low Olivia has to strain to hear her. "When he said that, Liv, I've never been more terrified in my life...I was so drunk, I couldn't even fight this one guy off, let alone two. And if they had gotten me into that car...I honestly don't know what would have happened." Amanda is quaking and shivering in her arms and Olivia can hear her teeth chattering together. "But before his friend could show up, he got spooked. All of a sudden there was all this screaming in the alley; a couple must have come out of the club because they were fighting and yelling at each other. I have no idea what they were screaming about, but whatever it was might have saved my life. The guy took off and left me there alone."

Amanda looks up at her now, tears gathered in the corners of her big blue eyes, her lips twisted into a bitter parody of a grin. "Some cop I am, huh? I didn't take any precautions whatsoever before going outside, I didn't even bother to try to chase after him when it was over, to try to catch him, to see if I could catch sight of the car that he said was coming for me, if I could get a license plate number..."

"Amanda, stop," Olivia says softly, shaking her lightly. "Don't do this, you need to stop blaming yourself."

The smaller woman sounds slightly incredulous when she continues speaking. "Do you know the whole thing only lasted a few minutes, Liv? It felt like hours, it felt like it was never going to end. I got a text right after it happened and when I looked down at my phone, I couldn't believe what time it was, that hardly any time at all had elapsed, that everything had changed in the space of just a few minutes..."

"Oh honey, I am so sorry," Olivia whispers, blinking rapidly to keep her own tears from falling. "What happened afterwards? Did you go just go home?"

Amanda nods. "Yeah...I was okay, Liv, it wasn't that bad. There wasn't really any evidence. It was pouring rain and I was soaked. I was bleeding a little bit afterwards and I had all those scratches but that was it. The rain was washing everything away while it was happening and after it was over; it was as if I had taken an instant shower. It was easy to take care of things at home. And I hadn't even gotten a look at him. To this day, I still can't see him clearly in my head. He's just a ghost. He was there and then he wasn't. It was so fast, it's almost like it didn't happen. Sometimes I actually think I just imagined the whole thing. I should just get over it."

"Amanda, _stop_ ," Olivia says, her tone sharp now. "What you just described to me is absolutely horrific and I am so sorry you had to go through that. What happened to you matters, honey. What you were wearing or doing or how you reacted or what other people have been through is irrelevant; it doesn't make it any less terrible, it doesn't make it any less _real_." She grits her teeth for a moment, trying not to remind her colleague yet again that she already knows all of this, that the rules don't apply only to the victims they deal with.

Amanda is silent for a moment before she speaks again. "I know what I did was wrong, Olivia. I should have gotten medical attention, I should have reported it. But I didn't even have a description of him. And for all I know, he was lying and there was no friend, there was no car. I was so drunk and so completely stunned by what had just happened, that I couldn't wrap my head around it. I went home and took a shower and went to bed. I didn't move from my bed for the entire weekend and then I just came into work on Monday morning like nothing happened. But then last night..." She trails off. "Last night, it reminded me of that night. It was pouring rain again and I was in a car with two men, even though those men are my co-workers, my friends, my boys. I love them both, Liv, I love my whole squad. You guys are my family and I know you would never hurt me, but it didn't seem to matter. I was just so scared. I know it's stupid."

"It's not stupid, sweetheart," Olivia whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of the smaller woman's bowed head. "It's not stupid at all."

There is another beat of silence before the younger woman speaks again. "Thank you for listening to me, Liv," Amanda says faintly. "I'm sure that wasn't easy to hear."

"I will always listen to you, Amanda, no matter what it is that you need to say," Olivia replies softly. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

It is quiet in the room again as they continue to hold onto one another, the rain sounding softer against the window now, and Olivia is hopeful that the sun will make a return appearance soon. She wants the bright rays to light up the room, to wash out the darkness of the past week. She is preoccupied with her thoughts, her mind whirling around the terrible details of Amanda's ordeal, knowing that it is highly unlikely that this man will ever be caught, but hoping that her colleague will agree to at least try; to try to get justice for herself, to try to see this person punished.

If Amanda was standoffish during the night about being touched, she is the complete opposite now, even after revealing what she had been through, and is clinging so tightly to Olivia that she can barely draw in a breath, is seemingly so desperate for comfort after being so alone during everything that has happened recently, and Olivia clings back just as tightly. They sit there wrapped up in one another and Olivia's throat feels tight again, that need to cry for the woman in her arms, for the acute pain that continues to radiate off of her colleague after her confession, and she bites her lip, trying to swallow the tears back.

"Sorry, Liv," Amanda suddenly whispers, and she can feel the smaller woman's hand stroking gently down her forearm. "I know I've upset you."

"You didn't upset me, sweetheart," Olivia replies softly. "You didn't do anything at all, okay? Don't you worry about it. All you need to do now is concentrate on getting back on your feet, on getting some help, and moving forward."

"You're not going to catch him, Liv," the blonde detective whispers, and Olivia feels her heart clench inside her chest, knowing she is probably right.

"Amanda, I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are probably pretty slim," she says honestly. "But we can at least try. Will you let us do that? Will you let us try?"

There is a brief moment of silence again and Olivia can feel the hesitation wrapping around the other woman, can practically hear the "no" that is waiting to come out of her mouth, but then she feels a light nod against her, hears a faint reply of "yes" and she smiles slightly, hugging Amanda closer to her.

xxx

Later in the day when they are sitting in Olivia's living room with Fin and Carisi, Amanda haltingly sharing the details of that terrible night with her teammates, her hand tucked firmly into Olivia's, the steady rain finally begins to abate, the sun emerging from behind the clouds, casting its beaming rays into the apartment. Olivia gives a protective, reassuring squeeze to the fingers that are laced through her own and feels Amanda squeeze back, a tendril of hope blooming inside, that even if this man is never caught, they are at least doing everything they possibly can to help their colleague and friend heal and move forward.

Fin and Carisi's heads are bent together and they are murmuring quietly to each other, discussing the details of Amanda's case, when Olivia feels the smaller woman pull away from her for a moment, turning to the side to pick something up, and then sees her phone light up silently on the couch beside her. She frowns and leans over to retrieve it, reading the brief message from the blonde woman, the corner of her lip turning up slightly.

 _"Thank you for helping me, Olivia."_

She reaches out to squeeze her colleague's hand again, meeting the younger woman's grateful, trusting gaze with her own, and she can see that tiny spark, that sliver of hope in the blonde woman's eyes that things might be turning around, that the future is perhaps not as bleak as she had once feared, that she is no longer alone with her pain.

Olivia squeezes her hand one last time, smiling softly at her, before quickly typing in her response.

 _"You're welcome, Amanda."_


End file.
